AND I PROMISE THAT YOU’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER LIKE ME

Loving someone means that you’ll be tried, tested and burned (not in a literal way). It means sometimes accepting and sacrificing things. Learning your partner is an everyday job that requires a lot of patience and compromise. Love is an umbrella, a shield that is unexplainable because the things that people do in the name of love is crazy. Others wait it out, while others choose to walk away. When it comes to matters of the heart it is hard to understand decisions one makes, but at the end of the day, we have to try and get them, even if it means leaving it alone.

One thing I do not understand is why spouses cheat. Specifically, I want to ask the men in the building why it is so important for them to get another woman to satisfy their needs. When a woman has been loyal to you, has borne your children, has cooked, cleaned and been with you for her entire life, probably put her dreams on hold, you still have the audacity to bring a third party home. On top of that, floss her around. What did she ever do to deserve that???

Hold on one second… I’m not done yet…

If the woman decides to play that game, she’s a w*%%), a lying, cheating a$$. What makes your cheating more “special” than hers? I thought the vows that you said to each other, at the altar mattered. What caused you to do that? I want answers, I need to know what broke that trust. 

“We’ve been separated for a year. This is what happened. He got another woman pregnant, and now he flosses her and their child around, in such a proud manner. We were together fifteen years and this for me is a breach of trust. I don’t think I can go back home. As we speak, it’s been a rough one year, but my kids and I are OK and we are taking it a day at a time.”

The institution of marriage is gravely under attack; because this is a couple I’ve known for such a long time. So why should I take the plunge if at the end of the day he will  just go and cheat? So many questions running through my mind as I try to fathom what is going on. I’m in a confused state,  but I know it is irreparable because the parents are stuck as to what to do about what’s happened. 

But I like what my friend’s father in law told her…

“If you can’t stand his cheating ways, you don’t have to stay with him.” 

He was man enough not to side with his son. He seems to know the saying once a cheater, always a cheater. And his daughter in law is having none of that. 

I respect that she respects herself enough to walk away and try and find peace as she takes the next steps. Will they get back together? I don’t know, but her heart and mind are one and she’s determined to move along. Fifteen years is not a joke and there is no way she can get the time back, but she can teach her children how to walk away if things go south. 

Imagine, you don’t have to stay if your heart, mind, and soul tell you not to. It comes at a price to move on completely. It takes courage to do the same. Don’t lie to yourself that things are going to change. Honey, leave. Period!!

I GOT SMURFIFIED!!!

Hey, y’all. It has been a really long minute since I wrote something in this space. Somehow we got busy and forgot that this baby exists. Afromapenzi is back, with a kind of, sort of BIG bang though!!

I have been on a roll to PS (protective style) my hair these past few months. I was getting bored with my hair, so I needed a lot of change. Thankfully, the protective styling period has helped my hair immensely with regaining body and volume. All this is a story for another post. But keep it here people.

Let’s get back to the whole point of this post…

Apart from getting bored with my hair and PSing, I had really wanted to try the color out on my hair. I was thinking of permanently dying my hair and seeing the reviews on dyed hair made me doubt myself a number of times. The colours I’ve seen look so gorgeous on people and I was tempted. Tempted enough to start shopping around for colour.

I went on a rampage y’all, went to Super Cosmetics to look for some and I saw some cans of temporary colour, but I found them too small because I’d use it for only one use and I wanted something that would last a while.

I then got a number for someone who sold colour in a tab. She sold Mofajang colours and I was excited that I’d get to try something different. It was scary because my hair has always been black and I didn’t know what to expect.

Anyway, the plan was to put some of the colour on my twists but that plan didn’t work. After taking my twists out my hair stayed open for two weeks and so I first washed my hair then set out to dye it. I took the colour blue as it was daring and out of my comfort zone and very different.

The dye needs moisture for it to apply well on the hair. After washing, I wrapped it in an old t-shirt and then went ahead to apply the L.C.O (leave-in, Cream and Oil). The hair was still damp, and so it applied very easily. It has a waxy feeling on the fingers, which I find surprisingly smooth. When it is applied to the hair it just glides on. For maximum colour one needs to really coat the hair with more of the colour.

I only wanted it on my ends because hey, I was still going to work so it had to be very subtle.

On applying the wax, I put my hair in six Bantu knots, for it to dry. Since I’d washed my hair late, it was 80% dry by morning but it did not bother me since my go-to style- the puff would save the day.

Here’s what I noticed with the colour once it was dry on my hair:

  1. It did not come off on my fingers, even when I undid the knots. The flakes that a few YouTubers talked about, I didn’t experience. When the hair dried, still flakes were not visible.
  2. I couldn’t stop my fingers from playing in my hair because it felt silky soft.
  3. The colour lasted an entire week!! Yes. I let the colour stay on for an entire week, no fuss, no muss.
  4. There was a day I didn’t sleep with a bonnet but it didn’t get on the pillow.
  5. On Friday morning, I applied a second coat for more effect (for the weekend). It was done on damp hair still, but this was in the morning as I was leaving for work. The hair was still held in a puff and still in shape.
  6. It came off in one wash. Just as it says on the pack. I got in the shower and just as the water ran down on my hair, the colour ran out as well. It was perfect while it lasted.

Mofajang has a variety to choose from, so you won’t be disappointed with the choices. Have you used any temporary colour before? Let me know in the comment section how it worked for you.

BITTERNESS vs FORGIVENESS

It is one thing to learn to forgive and another trying to hold on to some grudges that weigh us down. This is in basis of being in a relationship. When together with someone, there are some things that this person can do that can tick the partner off. It’s not about leaving socks on the floor or not washing the utensils or even leaving the bed unmade.

There are some things in relationships that can cause obstacles and turn in to serious bitterness. All the above could be child’s play. There are issues that can cause a relationship to break and some people stay in it for the sake of the kids and others are just afraid to be alone.  Yes, these are real ssues and human beings going through difficult moments in their lives and it is relevant for some understanding to come through and perhaps even just hold their hands. If you know of anyone going through something, just be there, encourage them.

So, would you forgive your partner or hold it against them for eternity? The problems could be as grave as financial, since one of you could be the one supporting the household- being the breadwinner, paying the rent, the school fees, buying food and literally just doing everything. Women especially feel really burdened if they have to do this and yes it can take a toll on both genders because let’s face it, the economy has changed and two heads are better than one.

Financial issues are a major thing among couples and one or both can harbor some hate which leads to bitterness and unforgiveness between the two individuals.

Talking things out helps. Keeping things in your heart will not solve anything and will make it worse. Don’t get me wrong, because if it is time for the relationship to die, just let it. Holding on will not change anything. But if you leave, do so with a clean heart, so that moving on can be easy. Carrying problems from a previous relationship will cause strain in the current one.

I touched on finances because I have seen what it can do to people. This is an experience I wouldn’t want anyone to go through. It taints an image for you and also people involved, like close friends, especially when a partner decides to bad mouth the other.

Let’s talk about that for a second…

For one, you should learn to cover your partner’s indiscretions. No one needs to know their other side, unless you are talking to a therapist or a third party who won’t take sides. If love covers all, this should be the time to do that. The bitterness won’t even find a way to get through to your heart because as a human being you will feel the pain and just know how to handle it altogether.

Secondly, having these things in your heart just damages you. I don’t know how much I can emphasize this but don’t keep negative images in your mind. These things hurt and if not let go, will keep hurting for the longest time. It takes time to forgive, and trying is what matters. Keep trying to work at it. Don’t let the bitterness consume you. If you do, it just takes control and before you know it, you’ll be out of control.

What would you choose? Bitterness or Forgiveness? What will have more space in your heart?

#DirtyFlirtyThirty

Thirty years ago, a queen was born. She had no idea that what life had in store for her would be an adventure and thrill at every waking moment. It was like she never imagined, and as she became older, life kept changing. Changing for the better. Well, let’s not forget the roller coaster ride in between because let’s face it, life is sweeter with all these rides along the way.
The queen is me.
Over time, I have grown to learn the basics and complexities of life, and sometimes what life can throw at us can be aggressive and gentle in equal measure. Trying to understand that, has been quite a journey. Accepting outcomes in life can be (very) difficult, and most times accepting whatever it is can be life-changing.
There are some lessons that I have learned along the way and these help me keep my crown from falling. Want to know some of these things?
First, before I begin, why don’t you grab a coffee or something as we sit and reflect together. This is not a review of the thirty things I wish my younger self knew. It is a stock take of when I realized who I am and how I feel about life in general.
Now that that is out of the way, let’s begin: –

  1. Learn to be happy

Happiness is an inside job. Period. It is up to you to work on what will make you be wild with happiness, so to speak. What makes you tick? Adventure? Sitting in cozy with a book or movie? Find that thing and dwell on that. I found my happy place (blogging). What’s yours?

  1. You don’t owe anyone an explanation

This is what I mean. You are old enough to make decisions on your own, and what you say goes. In your mind, if it is the right thing to do, go ahead and do that. Your satisfaction is all that matters. Don’t feel guilty or apologize for something that isn’t your fault or isn’t in your control. Just do you already!!

  1. If you must “get rid” of someone or something, do it!

I don’t mean killing someone or something. What I mean is that if this thing is bothersome, block it, delete it, just get rid of it. I used to have a fear of blocking people from my life, but I learned that if he or she isn’t good enough for you, then they are of no use anymore. Just let them go. Holding on just makes the baggage much more and will have a negative impact. I stopped feeling guilty about throwing away people who don’t treasure me as a person and just moved on.
PS: It is an amazing feeling 😊

  1. Take a Risk

Comfort is good, that I know because stepping out of our comfort areas is very difficult. It was becoming toxic at my place of work and at some point, I decided to leave. By the time I made up my mind, I had gone through so many scenarios in my mind and it was best that I did. I felt more at peace, I was able to attend to my sanity and myself and then I saw the world with a bigger and clearer picture. It is okay to be scared. Who isn’t?

  1. Keep being you

Honestly, I am a hopeless romantic. I love to love and even if it keeps running away from me, I haven’t lost hope in it. I know somewhere along the way, will find me. Yes, I might have changed a little, with knowing what I want and not falling in and out of love hopelessly (and definitely not sending love messages on someone’s TL on Facebook).
I won’t lie that there isn’t pressure from every corner to get married, have kids, and all that responsibility. The pressure is real. But you know what? When that time comes, I am sure I will take it up with a lot of love and respect. In the meantime, I will keep doing me.

  1. Live life to the Fullest!!

Last but not least, life is meant to be lived. Have an adventure, spend time with family and friends. If you want to, climb a mountain and then scream your lungs out. Just don’t lose yourself in being busy. Sometimes we need to see and think outside the box for us to experience new things. Life is full. Live it!!

What is in a Tear?

It forms in the eye like a misty fog fuelled by pain.

Deep unfathomable pain.

Physical pain is bearable for it can be quantified,

But emotional pain is an infinite pit that you fall in never reaching its bottom.

The further you fall the more you realize how deep it can be.

Love increases your tolerance for pain but does not cushion you from the havoc it causes.

And sometimes the only partner left to sympathize are your tears.

 

Like a soothing balm from your eyes, they trickle to your heart.

They are the gentle touch that your cheek yearns.

They are the only companion in your loneliness.

They are a measure of how much you are not worthy of the title “man”.

They are accepted as a way to let out emotions simply because you are a “woman”

But truth be told,

Men also get hurt, men also cry.

 

A tear is a pain that no words can explain.

A tear is a pain that deprives you of life.

A tear is a pain that has been suppressed in smiles.

A tear is a fountain from the depths of the heart.

A tear is the healing of released pain.

A tear sometimes is all you can do.

 

 

Poem Credits: Adiel K.

 

Marital Bliss?

I have been looking for the best introduction to this next post for a while, and every time I write, I keep deleting it. I write and delete it. Write and delete. The post is in my mind, but the beginning just seems to disappear. This post is dedicated to all those who have some sort of feeling when it comes to marriage. I am a relationships blogger and let me add a disclaimer that I am not an expert. What I write is what is in my heart and I follow what my heart feels. So, let’s get into it. Shall we?

Marriage is a sacred thing. It is what God manufactured. He created it.

“What God has put together, let no man put asunder”

“And a man shall leave his mother’s and father’s home and be joined with his wife”

“Whoever finds a wife (I’m sure husbands have a say in this too) finds a good thing”.

Well, with all this, where did humanity go wrong? It seems that we forgot a few details here and there. And yes, we forgot God. Now, I am not trying to be all preachy, but stick with me I am going somewhere with this. With all that is happening around us, so many things have changed, and marriage seems to be taking a BIG blow.

With that said, I believe backgrounds tend to make one’s belief or lack thereof responsible for the decisions one makes. Marriage is a big step and it is something that should be enjoyed, as well as taken with all the seriousness it deserves. If someone comes from a background with violence, abuse, even divorce or separation, there is a way the brain is programmed to think that that is the normal way. To him or her that comes from a blissful home.

With that being said, there are many people who want to experience this God given right but are afraid because of the things they have seen and experienced in past relationships, whether it being their own or of someone they know. The theory is, “if it happened to them, perhaps it could happen to me, or maybe worse”.

My friend, Marion tends to share a lot of things with me and she allowed me to share her story. She is afraid of getting into relationships because she is afraid that the worst will happen. She comes from a broken home, with separated parents, who never see eye to eye and never seem to agree on anything. They fight all the time (yes, they still live together), and that has changed her perspective on all things relationships.

“You know what? I’d rather be a single mom, or just live a single life. Why does it have to be complicated? Relationships are not so hard, I mean if it has to be called quits, then quits it is.”

Marion was in a serious relationship once, almost eight years ago and it didn’t work. It was on and off and on and off until she called it quits because the man she was with just kept treating her badly, and that kind of reminded her of her dad. He was always lying, never there and when she decided enough was enough, she left.

“Am I such a horrible person that I attract men who behave exactly the way my father does?” She cried as she was telling me this one day.

“No, you’re not Marion. You must take a step back and get your power back. As girls, we all want someone who is like our dads, but if that can’t happen, then we must redefine what we want. Write down a list of the qualities you want in your man and see if that helps. Perhaps you can change that perspective from there.”

“I don’t want anymore bad relationships, but honestly if that doesn’t work, then I will kick relationships in its a$$ and go be a nun.”

That sounded funny, but for real though, Marion is one of the people who go through so much because they want so much in their relationships. Is it possible to “break that curse” of bad relationships or one should just hang in there?

Marion still hopes that one day Prince Charming will come to her rescue, and make her forget about all the trauma, bad experiences from her childhood and all other negativity. As for now, she is working on herself.

 

 

 

The other Side of the Coin-Men Speak Part 2

In the previous post, we talked about how men are not picking up after themselves and women are the ones being the bread winners. So, this is a continuation post and I would love to really know your opinion, especially women. What do you think?

First of all, would you date a broke man? Would you support him if his dreams were valid? What would you do if he mistreated you? Would you also quit your job if he became successful?

I understand that this is a new generation, with new insights, upbringings too, but at the end of the day, if the man is the ultimate provider, then that is that. It is in the Law of God (the Bible), so that end must be kept.

Mwalimu told me that there was a time he was depressed, and he did not know what to do and he was so upset with himself that he could not do anything for his family. Now, Mwalimu is married and he takes responsibility very seriously. He had just lost his job and fending for the family was going to be a hustle. It took him a while before he got well (yes depression is an illness, it can make one feel unworthy). He decided to start a small business with some knowledge he had acquired and it paid off later on.

Now, Mwalimu is not perfect and I applaud him for realizing that he needs to be the one to do one, two, three things around his household. If a man does not pull up his socks, that house can NEVER be a home, if the woman is the one being both the man and the woman in the relationship.

Guys, you want a woman to just chill and just relax? Do something about your situation. If the woman becomes empowered on her own accord, sweetheart, you will be left and she will pretend like she doesn’t know you. If God says that you should provide, don’t go against it. If a woman is to be a helper, she cannot do that role if she must do every other tid bit little thing around her.

I just remembered something… You want respect guys? You MUST earn it. Isn’t that what we are told? Don’t force your woman to give you respect if you don’t deserve it. Come home with a plan. Be the man with the plan. If you are both to move forward, you do that. We need to get our roles in check.

I am glad to be an empowered woman in this point in time, but let’s read through the fine lines.

The Other Side of the Coin- Men Speak

As much as I seek advice from my female friends, I also need a few pointers from the guys, so getting advice from a guy about guys works 100%. 😊 So, I bumped into a friend of mine and we had a very long conversation about men and he might have divulged a few details, but I think it was a good session. See, as women we want to understand men and what the want. What is it that makes them tick? What makes them think of doing what they do and even what they say? When men say women are complicated, it is them who are on that complicated side of the coin.

Anyway….

Before I give you the tea on what we talked about, there is one thing I have come to realize… All the relationship advice and talks given by these so-called “male experts” don’t work. Hold on… They don’t work on Kenyan men. Our men are just a breed on their own. Yes, I had subscribed to the likes of Mathew Hussey, (don’t judge me), who is an expert on all things men. So, I recently unsubscribed and then went on a ‘hunt’ as I looked for advice from my pal.

I opened my mind to what I thought about a few men I had or have met in the past and my friend told me not to group all men as the same. That is what I do. It is a weakness I have but it just doesn’t seem to go away. Anyway, so yes grouping all men and putting them in one category is a weakness that needs to be killed.

Here is my reason why:- They all behave the same. Fullstop!

“Men are dogs, they are beasts, so the way a woman treats them is how they will be treated.” Mwalimu told me.

“I don’t believe you. Background matters a lot. If a guy is raised in a household that encourages violence towards a woman, then the beast in him will be evidenced.”

“Here is the thing. You see what happened to Ivy? I am not for it, but she deserved it. This is because she was mean to that man who provided her with everything. I mean why did she switch off her phone? Was she meant to be out of reach? Mwanaume alikuwa akimtafuta. Why did she do that?” Mwalimu was trying to justify a point but I disagree.

Ivy had a choice, yes, and she chose her path. That did not equal her death. As women, we also must become empowered and make our choices. No one, absolutely NO ONE should make decisions for us. The reason why women have become so empowered now is because we can no longer rely on men, like it is supposed to be.

Check this scenario out:

A woman lives with a man who has no plan or vision for himself. This man just eats, sleeps, wakes up repeat. According to the bible, a woman is supposed to be a man’s assistant or helper(Genesis 2:18). At least Mwalimu also agrees with me that man is supposed to be THE provider. Mpaka hapo mumeelewa. Siyo? Woman was created to be a helper. But man has refused to pick his a$$ up and do something. So woman has become the ultimate bread winner. If a woman has become empowered, it is because man has failed her. There is nothing that can change that balance now since woman has already eased into that role of bread winning.

Now, Mwalimu and I have had extensive conversations on the roles of men and women, but it remains that women have more rights now, more power. Man may not accept or believe it, but to be honest, man has no game. Woman has taken his role and he is not remorseful about it.

To the women who take care of their own, good job!!

LOVE AFTER DEFILEMENT

“There was a time I believed in love. In marriage. In finding someone who loved me for who I am. I did find that person, or at least I thought I did. He dumped me the second I called him after I was gang raped. He said I was dirty and disgusting. How I got to move on from the incident, the words he said to me and the way I changed after was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done” Said Sweetie to me one day.

We were just having a conversation over breakfast and this popped out. I honestly did not know what to say. My mind was as black and blank as any clouded-up space and it was hard to hear her say those words to me because I am a woman and such things are very heart wrenching. I had to quickly pick my mouth up from the floor as I had not expected that to come up.

It was a cool, calm Wednesday as we were on holiday with Sweetie and her and I had grown close over the years because of natural hair and natural product vibes (fortunately, that’s how I roll, all things natural is just my thing). So anyway, we had woken up and she came to knock at my door for us to go together and have something to eat. It was a cold morning, with clear skies, so there was promise of some sun later.

As we waited on line, we started having a conversation about an oil that she had used on her face and it left her feeling smoother and brighter, so she would end up purchasing it when we came back home. I was excited that she loved it and thankfully it didn’t affect her skin. So, we got to the front of the lie and served our goods and then went to find space to sit.

“You know, this whole relationship stuff can be so complicated. Where does one even begin? Nowadays it’s like people are more in situationships than they are in real relationships. You know?”

“So, so true. It is sad that we are comfortable with that. I thought people would want more, but I was wrong. Anyway, there is something I want to tell you, and I don’t know where to begin, so please be patient with me.” Said Sweetie

After a while, she told me that she was gang raped once as she was heading home from college and she had been deflowered, since she hadn’t experienced sex before, so it was such a huge deal for her. At the time she was dating a guy who I think did not really understand what had happened to her. After a while, they broke up and she was single for some time before she decided to get back into the dating game.

“Wow Sweetie, I am so sorry. How did you cope? The guy you are dating now, does he know?”

“Yes, he does, and he isn’t judgmental. One thing I learnt is that I would never dim my light just because of a few dark clouds that engulfed me years ago and as such, I don’t hide my truth. I told him about what happened in explicit detail and he told me that he adored me even more. The best part was it wasn’t fake sympathy. You know the kind that folks give you after you just told them something dark that happened to you? His was unadulterated empathy. He didn’t see me as “strong” just because I went through an ordeal I didn’t deserve. He saw me as a woman who picked herself up and decided to choose herself even more after that dark day in July 2013. He’s walked the journey of healing with me, trust me; healing doesn’t come as a riddle wave for everyone, sometimes it comes in the form of ripples and he’s loved me more with each waking hour.”

Sweetie has been with this guy for more than a year, actually clocking 2 years in 3 months plus I’m positive that one day they will get married. She does deserve all the happiness in the world.

To all the girls who have been in this situation before, there is hope. There is love. It is not final yet. It will take time, but it won’ t be forever before you meet the one who will love, support and just be there for you. Don’t lose hope girl.

From me to you, Lots of Love! ❤

 

 

WHEN THE BOARD OF GOVERNORS SAY SO!!

I was recently having a conversation with a gang of friends and we were talking about how when a girl introduces a guy to her friends, they scrutinize him a proper one before giving approval for her to date him. I am here to put those rumors to rest because boys, if you did not know, it is true. Girls will check you out, advice their friend and then either give it a go ahead or just a plain NO.

Here is the thing guys: – There is a whole score board that one is put through before he is allowed to become “more than friends” with a lady. Believe you me, if the gang doesn’t like you, you are doomed. It all must work for our benefit, before it works on the girl who you envisioned as your girlfriend. Sorry to burst your bubble. It is just the way it is.

When a girl comes all googly eyed, dreamy, her eyes sparkling, skin glowing and her heart literally bursting out of her chest, she must let her girls know what is happening to her because it may be something queer and we must help her understand that feeling. So, while she lets us in on the secret that is ‘you”, we must figure you out. In other words, we must approve of you before our girl agrees to ‘ingia box”. Here are a few things the board of governors will look for:

  1. For starters, are you good looking? You do not necessarily have to be tall, dark and handsome. Looks play a big role y’all. I mean if we have our very own Idris Elba in Pascal Tokodi, you must beat that. *wink wink*
  2. What are you bringing to the table? Do you know what you want out of getting to know our girl or you are just in it to win it? It’s not just about the “cookie” type of winning. You must have very deep conversations about the future, what do you see in that future. Oh, and we will know if you are lying, trying to include her like she’s a plus one at an event kind of thing. Having deep moments that will make us approve of you and the type of affection that you have for her.
  3. Do you make her happy? Our girl’s happiness matters so much. We wouldn’t imagine her having a hard time with you, because guess what, we will be breathing down your neck if she looks or feels unhappy.
  4. Are you hiding anything from her?? With the way the dating scene is going in this time and era, we need to make one thing clear. You must be very honest with her because we don’t want to later find out that you are married, or you have a child somewhere. We will break you if we investigate and find something odd about you!
  5. Do you create time for your dates and stuff? Oh yes honey. You shouldn’t be too busy for the girl you like and are trying to impress. If the gang gets a whiff of that, your girl friend will instantly be advised against you, so better do what is right.

95% of the time, the gang is always right about things and would rather prevent their girl from going through a heartbreak as opposed to letting her do something “illegal”. Just know that the girl gang is always watching and listening, waiting to hear anything that will put you at stake for some scrutiny.

Always remember that we will be her go-to if things are or aren’t working out.

Peace out!!!

Create your website at WordPress.com
Get started